Humor for the day

[WDVE]

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."

"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."

"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."

The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!"

"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!"

"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."

The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."

As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"
 
 

[WDVE]

Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to the boy. "Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were," said the reporter, and he began writing again.

"Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Cubs fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What team do you root for?" inquired the reporter. "I'm a Yankees fan," the child responded.

The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote "Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Alfred E. Neuman]

The Movie Test
 
This math test will determine your favorite movie.  It's really pretty damn cool.  Mine turned out to be "Forest Gump" which is my favorite movie!  I was surprised that this worked.
 
BE HONEST AND DON'T LOOK AT THE MOVIE LIST TILL YOU HAVE DONE THE MATH!  Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.  This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.  Don't ask me how, but it really works!
 
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2. Multiply by 3.
 
 
 
 
 
 
3. Add 3.
 
 
 
 
 
 
4. Multiply by 3 again.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
5. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies after the break.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Pretty accurate isn't it?!

[pbal]

A guy is driving around the hills, and comes upon a driveway with a sign that says, "Talking Dog For Sale - Cheap." Amused, and not in a rush, he pulls up to the house to see what the gag is all about. In the garage, he finds a guy heads-down under the hood of his truck, working on the engine.

"Excuse me, but I saw your sign, and of course I had to see what it was about!" The homeowner gives him a weary stare and says, "If you're really interested, he's around back," and points to the side of the house. Even more curious, he walks to take a look.

Sitting on the pad in front of a grubby dog house is a slightly paunchy, middle-aged Labrador Retriever, giving him a bored stare. The guy gives him a look, and turns to leave, muttering, "Talking dog, my ass."

The dog says, "Yeah, what about it?" The guy is shocked - it was clearly the dog talking. "You can actually TALK?"

"Sure," says the dog. "I've been able to talk since I was a puppy. It was a little awkward, at first, since people didn't know what to make of me. I learned to keep it to myself, and only talk to people I could trust. The guy who first owned me was a local sheriff, and he figured out that I'd be perfect for staking out the local drug dealers, since I could just wander around people, and then tell him what I heard."

"That started to get boring, so I moved up to working for the FBI, and then the Secret Service, and then next thing you know, I was dealing with international espionage, cartels, and even industrial espionage. It was exciting, but it got pretty exhausting."

"So, I decided to call it quits, and retire to the quiet country life. And, here I am with a new owner in the Virgina farm country."

They guy is completely dumbfounded, and walks back around the house to talk to the owner. "What are you thinking, selling that incredible dog?"

"I'll take ten bucks for him," says the owner. "What?" says the guy, "How come so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar! He never did any of that stuff!"

[redcap]

  pbal, under what screen name is that dog posting on the buzz?

AND it is not redcap!

[Alfred E. Neuman]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor for my annual check up today..........She told me to stop masturbating.  I asked, "Why?".....She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

[Alfred E. Neuman]

...Jimmy McMillan ----- represents the 'rent is too damn high party'.......debate for governor

rent is too damn high song

[Alfred E. Neuman]

Humor from Brian Regan




More from Brian - Dog Barking

[Alfred E. Neuman]

In Living Color



In Living Color


In Living Color

Jim Carrey Workout -

[Alfred E. Neuman]

Men On Cooking.LOL

[Alfred E. Neuman]

..................FEMALE COMPASSION.............. .........
(The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. 

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f.....d?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[Alfred E. Neuman]

..........CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME......

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people
call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone  bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, "
Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, and 34" hips.................... ........


.......When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[Alfred E. Neuman]

Something a burglar would not want to see while breaking into house

[pbal]

What if she's a GILF?

[WDVE]

Little flaky