Humor for the day

[singer]

Why don't Italians like Jehovas Witnesses

Italians don't like ANY WITNESSES !!!

  NYUK NYUK NYUK !!! 

________________________ ________________________ _______
hey watch it !!!

[WDVE]

Dear Employee:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that
Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees
will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices
would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices
right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off
sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I
believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have
to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found
sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these
folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a fairer way to approach
this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.


                                                         THE BOSS

[WDVE]

Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
 

[WDVE]

   
 




As soon as the food was served, Little Johnny started eating.

"John! Wait till we say the prayer," said his mother.

"Don't have to," he replied.

"Yes, you do!" insisted his mother. "At our house we always pray before our meals."

"Sure, at our house," said Johnny. "But this is Grandma's house. She's a good cook!"
 
 

[WDVE]

Fire-Rescue Memorandum - Office of the Fire Chief

To: All Riding Members
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency
rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a
decidedly creative direction lately.

Effective immediately, all members are to refrain
from using slang and abbreviations to describe
patients, such as the following.

1. Cardiac patients should not be referred to with
MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape),
PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before,
got it again).

2. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor
are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for
Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to ****),
FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch)
or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a
car crash do not have to include phrases like
"negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal
deceleration syndrome."

4. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals,
not "glow worms."

5. Persons with altered mental states as a result of
drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

6. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital
implants."

7. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is
endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC
Challenge".

8. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons
as being "paws up," "ART" (assuming room temperature),
"CC" (Cancel Christmas), "CTD" (circling the drain),
or "NLPR" (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural
diversity of our patients to include their medical
orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.
 

[WDVE]

Communication Breakdown...
        The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
        • The Army will put guards around the place.
        • The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
        • The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
        • The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

[WDVE]

 
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

[WDVE]

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Ye s...No"

[Wiener]

The blowjob challenge is next week, we are really looking forward to it.  We have only one thing to ask.  That you please refrain from entering this year, we really want someone else to win, Champ.

[WDVE]

Hi:
Just wanted to let you know I received my stimulus package yesterday...
 
It contained watermelon seeds,
Cornbread mix, and Ten coupons to KFC.

Directions were in Spanish...

[bleyeskaren]

Oh my gosh, I can't stop laughing at that last post thank you....


by the way pbal, I think I accidentally hit notify or something... anyways I hit the button and did not mean to notify you.. so, have a great night and again DVE I thought that was great!

[WDVE]

Parachute Jumping
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

[WDVE]

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
 

[Wiener]

A farmer needed to get a rooster to add to his hen house.  So he went to his neighbor and got a rooster named Brewster.  The neighbor said this Brewster will take care of your hens.   The farmer when home and put Brewster in the hen house.   Brewster line all the hens up and fucked them all down the row and then back up again.  The farmer was impressed, "Great job Brewster, we should have looks of peeps in no time."

The next day the farmer was heading out to the barn when he heard the cow going crazy, when he got the cow there was Brewster banging the cow.  The farmer looked at Brewster, "One of these days your gonna F yourself to death Brewster."

Later the farmer heard a raucous coming from the pig pen, when he got there he saw Brewster screwing the pigs.  "Brewster one of these days your gonna f yourself to death."

The next day as the farmer was heading out to the fields he saw a bunch of turkey buzzards circling in the sky.   He went to check it out, as he came up on something, he saw Brewster laying there in the field.
The farmer walked over to Brewster and pushed him with his foot.  " I told you, you was gonna f yourself to death one of these days."

Brewster opened one eye and looked at the farmer, he said " You son of a bitch, they were about to land."

[WDVE]

CATHOLIC GIRLS
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, what seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"