Humor for the day

[WDVE]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.

[WDVE]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan 'An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?''Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.''My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit''It's The Box Office.'

[oldster]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[WDVE]

 

[kittycat]

Hey...is this replacing my joke thread?  Cool...I will be sure and post some jokes here later!!!  Humor--makes the world go around!!!

[WDVE]

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack
Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You
don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, and owner of f Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply
religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they
produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva
Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[WDVE]

You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Dad. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"

[singer]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments asked, "How does that feel?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 OMG,now that's funny
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[kittycat]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Golf was invented as a "game" by the same people who invented bagpipes for "music."

=======

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really  loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that  everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

======

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up north in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could haff put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole  says...."just how da fock vas I suppose to pick dem  up?

=======

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies... "You're on my side.  Get out."

=======


Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone being under my bed at night.

So, one day I went to a psychologist and told him.

"I've got problems, doc. Eve ry time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said he."Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.."

"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it." I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! Heck, a bartender cured me for $10." I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

=======

    An interesting observation appeared in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week: "If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

    The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US , than you are in Iraq .

    Conclusion: "The US should pull out of Washington ."

=======
A mom was driving her five year old son to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the Mom saw something terrible like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."

From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

[kittycat]

David McClure of McKinney: A senior moment ... at 48?


David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney.

    $5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?

    I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

    I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

    Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

    "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

    I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

    Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

    Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

    I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

    Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

    She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

    All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

    As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

    The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

[kittycat]

I Love Mustard. (This is a true story.. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).
 
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.
 
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
 
Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.
 
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
 
I love mustard.
 
I had no napkin.
 
I licked it off.
 
It was not mustard.
 
No man ever put a baby down faster.
 
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
 
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard Poupon.''

When you stop laughing, pass it on.
 

[kittycat]

  Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio , forwarded the following letter:
      This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly,  An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch, a door prize and was writing to say thank you.  This story is a credit to humankind.  Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.




 
  Dear Kean Elementary,

    God Bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

       God bless you for kindness to an old forgotten lady.  My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

        The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.

        Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

      Thank you for that opportunity.

     Sincerely,

      Agnes Baker

[kittycat]

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead & get that out of the way right off the bat.


Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better & better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement & collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to college: play sports, date, drink & party.

After that you're at high school, become very popular because you are so mature,
are an excellent athlete after your experience in college & the first love is not your first, so you know how to handle yourself.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again; you go to elementary school, play & have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby & everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case....

[kittycat]

Subject: What I want in a Man


 
What I Want In A Man!
Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1.Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I 'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62 )
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when a sleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1.Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[kittycat]

Aircraft Mechanics

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but
only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for
those who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet, " which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next
flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense
of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major
airline that has never had an accident.
                 
                 
                 
                  P: Left inside main tire almost needs
                  replacement.
                  S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
                                 
                  P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
                  S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
                                 
                  P: Something loose in cockpit.
                  S: Something tightened in cockpit.
                 
                  P: Dead bugs on windshield.
                  S: Live bugs on back-order.
                 
                  P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
                  200 feet per minute descent.
                  S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
                 
                  P: Evidence of leak on right main landing
                  gear.
                  S: Evidence removed.
                 
                  P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
                  S: DME volume set to more believable level.
                 
                   P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
                   stick.
                   S: That's what they're for.
                   
                   P: IFF inoperative.
                   S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
                   
                   P: Suspected crack in windshield.
                   S: Suspect you're right.
                   
                   P: Number 3 engine missing.
                   S: Engine found on right wing after brief
                   search.
           

                   P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
                   S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly
                   right, and be serious.

                   P: Target radar hums.
                   S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

                   P: Mouse in cockpit.
                   S: Cat installed.
                   
                   P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
                   Sounds like a midget pounding
                   on something with a
                   hammer.
                   S: Took hammer away from midget


Jim Knox    N5NWC